While becoming a Professional Illustrator, I have met many people aspiring to do the same but have been left behind by the most interesting situations. Is hard for me to understand their reasons to give up so easily, and abandoning their dreams. But here I share my analysis.
This is the story of how I lost my friends, to depression, fear, and apathy. And how the lack of control of their life pushes them into a spiral of self-destruction and sadness.
My 1st friend, which I will call ¨CR¨ was a fantastic artist; when I first met him in 4th grade of High School; we had the same age, and liked the same stuff, we both study the Japanese language and draw our comics; however, ¨CR¨was much better than me, understanding anatomy and technique in drawing, and was more productive in filling sketchbooks and creating, very cool stories for his Original Characters. ¨CR¨was a very good student and was always was A or B student, he also spoke fluent English and was in touch with a very cute girl that everyone wanted to date. We spend recess time at school drawing, talking about games, and eating pizza, cookies, or Mexican bread. I was always inspired by his creativity and art, and in a certain way, push me to become better.
The year ended, and I needed to move to another school so the friendship and communication paused, since back then we didn't have internet, and cell phones were expensive for me. Then life happened and was already 2004, I found CR in a supermarket, his eyes looked tired, his clothing old and not very clean; he told me he quit drawing and started University, he got into Computer Ciencie which is a very demanding career; I ask CR why he changed his plan to become a Graphic Designer, he answered well my mom and relatives made me do it. During this time I became the main illustrator of a Clothing and Restaurant Company doing interior design and the official merchandise. Was great!, I start forming my studio room in my house and was making my dream happen, I always wanted to work as a professional in Art.
2015 Arrived, I was already an Art Director in Paragon and also a published comic book artist in an independent company, my income improved a lot and I was living the dream, I had a new apartment and decorated it Otaku gamer style, with a big collection of posters, art materials, and collectibles figures from the animes I liked. One day I got o the convenience store and I saw CR again, this time was even worse, long messy hair, and his pants with holes, yes literally holes; all most looked like a homeless guy. The story he told me was even worse now! Since the last time I saw him, he stop not only drawing but living, he was unemployed for 10 years, never had a girlfriend, was deeply in debt, and taking psychiatric medicine for sleeping, depression, and epileptic seizures, caused by the intense stress of living with his mom, he was not able to perform with his studies, took him several years to finish his career, so he told me that his knowledge, was obsolete now. And to be able to get a job he needed to study again and update his skills. CR has not gone to the movies for 20 years, yes I am not joking, No Matrix trilogy, or Lord of the Rings, he missed all the cool stuff of Marvel Universe, never visit Comic-Con, he spent 20 years in a tiny room full of dust, playing the same video game in his PSP portable. The reason for his debt at that time was that he used a credit card to buy a PSP portable video game, which probably cost around $50usd, since he didn't pay this now he needed to pay around $2000 or $2500 for years of not paying.
Sad right? Why I am writing this? To make fun of my best friend? No. I write this Journal entry because is necessary to document how the lack of control over our emotions can destroy us, and how the need for validation and codependency can put our life into a living hell. So I continue after clarifying this.
¨CR¨Passed away like a month and a half ago... He was 40 years old, I was devastated he was my best friend. Since 2011 I try very hard to motivate him, give him advice, and try even give him a job in my studio; For long hours we talk, about how I reach success and how he can do it too, I always told him that Computer Science had never been his career, that was time, to let go and start living and be happy, instead of trying to fulfill his family standards and expectations. He agreed sometimes but after a couple of days, he was doing the same thing, doing nothing for paying his debt and returning to his room; spending the night in insomnia reading how to update his programming skills to get a job. Stuck. Because to be honest this ¨studying¨was just watching Youtube videos and playing the same stupid PSP game.
The last 8 months of his life.
After I return from Europe, we spend some time talking on the phone or he was visiting me, His situation was the same, the only difference was that he did check his brain with a Specialist, but all Doctors say you are ok, is just your lack of will power and depression. Something was hurting him badly, but what?!!
¨CR¨Told me that he finally was able to pay his debt from the Video game that he got using his credit card years ago. Was a great achievement I say! congratulations is time to reinvent yourself. Well...I don't think so, he was so lost in life that accepted a Loan of 15,000 Dollars because he was so good credit card payment user, he earn the right of this high loan. I say holy fucking shit, what have you done? well, I guess is a good opportunity if you are a smart dude I said, stabilize your life in everything, clothing, and gym for 3 months, and also rent a small studio room, away from your family, even get a basic car. and maybe you will only need like 5000 Dollars, then with a job start paying the credit but on an emotional and financial/life stability.
The Downfall
The months pass and I focus more on my job in the new company I started to work for, and since ¨CR¨was not improving I decide to stop calling him and be worried about him; he was not even fun to hang up with, every time we interact was like a Therapy Session, me trying to teach him and mentor him, so I back off. One evening the phone rang and was him, I answered and the conversation was very weird and bizarre: He was talking about not rational things, almost like a fantasy, talking about he had a dream about helping the universe energy to create a new one. Holy Fucking Shit, I talk with his sister, and told me he was like this for days. I worried a lot, but I realized something; he was seriously mentally ill, and maybe all those afternoons I was just talking with a guy out of his mind. But why did the Doctors say he was normal in his brain? maybe it's just the intense Stress and pressure, I will never know for sure. I got sad and hung up.
Later he call me and apologize and accepted the anxiety and stress were the cause and wanted to leave his house, that his mother and sisters constantly argue and pressure him badly. However he made another terrible mistake, instead of reinventing himself, he decided to invest the $15000 into paying for a course for Data Analisis, at a University in the USA, the monthly payment was super expensive, and by the time of this call he was already only $3000 left, he spent all his money in that stupid course, and he said, I didn't even like it because I realize I already know those subjects.
¨CR¨Was found dead in his bed weeks later, he was 40 years old, everyone remembers him as a focused and disciplined kid that always was an excellent student, very organized very artistic, and creative. I never know he dated someone so probably was a virgin, with no social life, no nothing, no ambition, no dreams anymore. The funeral was revealing, there was a bunch of people there just for the food friends of his brother, the only people that said some words were 2 friends I called and his sister and brother. It felt that the only person who really know him was me. At the time his mother came forward I realized she was the whole cause of his emotional damage of ¨CR¨, a short flat top haircut, non-emotional, and acting with arrogance. I understood everything, why he since high school was probably emotionally abused by his mother and raised as a weak man, a broken man.
I feel happy that I spent hours and afternoons with him for the last 10 years because it seems that was the only person that stood with him and push him to try to make fun activities in his life, concerts, conventions, etc I got pissed off when I realized his brother was a Psychologist, yes and he didn't make the right effort to help him as I did, so fuck you, and another close girl who was a friend also was therapist, so fuck you too. and I was even angrier when his brother ask me very sure of himself, ¨You gonna teach me how to draw¨Fuck you stupid dumb motherfucker I said in my mind. This motherfucker took like 20 people to eat in the funeral for free, they were eating like pigs, donuts, and coffee making noises with their mouths, meanwhile, my friend was dead in the room.
Codependence and the need for validation from everyone can stop reaching your happiness and success in life. Family and society can destroy you if you let their opinions affect you and if you don't take action to defend your self you will fall into the darkness.
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| ¨CR¨Materials of choice for Drawing |
El Dorado HB Graphite Pencil & Pilot Precise 0.5 Black ink
